Linda Cabrera Obituary

Linda Theresa Cabrera (née Heinsman), of Sayreville, New Jersey, passed away on August 10, 2025, while being lovingly embraced. She was due to turn 77 on August 31, and her family will be celebrating that day in her honor until the end of time. She would hate turning 77 because she hated being thought of as "old," but 76 feels like too little time…at least for those of us who don't have the effects of gravity taking their toll on us, which Linda complained about incessantly.

Linda is survived by a vast array of people who loved her while she was alive, and will continue loving her forevermore, because the end of life does not mean the end of love. We will miss everything about her. She leaves behind three awesome children: Ken and his wife Racquel, Denise and her husband Rich, and Alissa "Lissy" (me) and her husband Chris. Her three children compete continuously for the title of favorite. Don't tell anyone, but it's me.

Linda was a vibrant and healthy person, who loved her family – especially her grandchildren (or "grands," as she called them), cooking for her family and friends, throwing parties, red wine, calling a lot, and always being at the center of crazy and the center of fun. She loved making excellent eggplant parm and terrible asparagus pie. She also loved her TVs, which were always at maximum volume, so she could flip between the ID channel, CNN (when democrats were in office), and anything related to cold cases. Without Linda here, Walmart and Dollar Tree (even if she was mad at them for upping their price to $1.25) are losing their best customer, and Carmex lip balm will see their sales decrease significantly.

Linda did not ever miss an event, and it devastates us to know that she will not be seen at future events dancing, singing, and being her bubbly self. However, we rest assured that the one who will be the most upset over this prospect is Linda herself, as she did not like anyone ever having any parties or fun without her involved. We can only hope that she will be there in spirit. There will be a glass of red wine waiting for her always. And, if it spills, we will know that her spirit is with us because Linda always managed to spill her wine on something – or someone, usually herself.

Linda was not sick, which she was adamant never happened to her, but she, instead, had a stroke that surprised us all, and we lost her shortly after that. Although sudden, it did offer us enough time to surround her with love, roaring laughter, and irreverent humor, which we know thrilled her endlessly. The hospital staff, however, was not so amused – we are sorry about that…not at all. She went out as only she could…with mindboggling insanity and a whole lot of love. And, yes, she did look amazing – there was not a wrinkle to be found.

Linda did what needed to be done to support her family, working several jobs at a time as a waitress and secretary, and hardly sleeping for several years. Always, she made sure that her children were safe – via stalking them – and she found them, every time, without cellphones or navigation because…shockingly, there was time that these things did not exist. Even more shocking was her ability to stalk her children given her horrifically poor sense of direction. We will miss it. So much.

She welcomed everyone into her home, shoving food in their faces, and insisting they stay as long as they like, as long as it meant leaving by 5PM. If you are someone who stayed later than that, we can promise that she complained about you – with love.

Linda was, of course, complicated. With seething and obsessive hate, she despised a certain orange-colored man, white wine, the sound of people snapping gum, people touching their noses, songs that recited the same lyric repeatedly, and her children saying, "I already told you that, remember?" Linda strongly disliked people who searched for parking spots and anyone who had a "no shoe" policy in their home. She hated people who didn't like her eggplant parmesan, and she hated chihuahuas. She was excessively irritating when any of her children or grandchildren were sick – texting, calling, and showing up unannounced to ask, "Do you feel better yet?" every five to ten minutes. It drove us crazy! However, threats of "I'm telling Mom you're sick if you don't do what I say" will no longer work as bribery, and that hurts more than we are capable of expressing.

Linda leaves behind a plethora of friends she has had, loved, and taken pride in for a lifetime, a big brother she loved named Rich Heinsman (of Albuquerque, New Mexico), and his three children: Lori, Richy, and Lisa, whom she loved so much, along with their families. She also leaves behind an incredibly special close friend named Steve Lusardi.

She is survived by so very many grandchildren, all of whom she loved "like crazy." Linda became a grandmother in the year 1995 and every action in her life since that very day became defined by her commitment to be the best grandmother she could be. And she was. Affectionately called "Gogo," she will be loved by all of them forever. Through her son, Ken, and his wife, Racquel, she leaves behind seven grandchildren: Kenny and his wife Hannah, Teresa and her husband Johnny (parents to Linda's first greatgrandchild, JD), Carina, Angelina, Anthony, Mary, and Ava. Through her daughter, Denise, and her husband, Rich, she leaves behind two grandchildren: Brittany and Richie. Through her daughter, Alissa "Lissy," and her husband, Chris, she leaves behind six grandchildren: Adriana, Lennon, Julian, Jude, McCartney, and Harrison. She leaves behind many furry grandchildren, none of whom she will miss. Much like her children, Linda's grandchildren often compete over who the favorite was. Despite her having made every single one of them carsick on countless occasions due to her terrible driving abilities, they would happily hop in the car with her now if it meant it would bring her back to us.

Linda was adamant about her end-of-life plans and arrangements. Because we fear her haunting us, we are complying with them. As such, Linda has been cremated and there will be no "typical" services for her because nothing about Linda was typical. We are, instead, honoring her with a private FUNeral…as she would have wanted. Please keep her memory alive in the way that feels true to her unique spirit. If you need some help with this, carry on her memory through utilizing the words "b*stard, little sh*t, sh*thead, and f*ck." As long as you use them with love, it's all good, babe.